Napatay ko ang lolo ko
Dra. Margarita Holmes
Dear Dr Holmes:
Not everyone will understand the feeling behind my thoughts, so I don’t share it with anyone. Stigma is everywhere.
Four years ago, we went to a hospital with my dying grandfather. He wasn’t ready yet, everyone knew that. His life depended on
oxygen, which needed pumping from time to time. He was admitted in a public hospital, so it lacked equipment. On his second night, I was told to stay overnight at hospital. Boastful, I didn’t even listen to the nurse about what-to-do or what not.
I eventually got lost pumping, my arm and whole body felt numb.
I thought the result wouldn’t be that bad. I stopped, then returned, stopped, then returned.
Later that night, he had an attack, I could see his body shaking. My screaming woke up my cousin; he called the nurse but it was too late.
My grandfather died because of me. It was so hard. Everything did not sink in that early, I was guilty but I thought, everything is okay. Then my brother told me straight up “You are the reason of his dying” He said many more things I don’t remember.
It was traumatic and tragic. I mean, would you want to be the reason of your love ones to die?
It’s been four years; I’m still here. Still stuck with the fact that yep, I killed him. Unintentionally but still irresponsibly.
Since then, I tried killing myself by overdosing with different kind of medicine and sleeping pills I’ve got.Sometimes I can’t sleep for three days straight. It’s so hard. I don’t know how to get back my sanity and my old self. I can no longer cry.
It gets harder each passing day. Time doesn’t heal these wounds.
I’m still blaming myself. Please help me.
DR. HOLMES COLUMN WILL BE IN TOMORROW’S (SUNDAY, MARCH 31) COLUMN.